Cell Block Tango
by Rabbitsgirl
Summary: A story of six murders. Note to self. Never abandon your best friend. Especially if she's a cold hearted, karate chopping, unforgiving B with a penchant for revenge.
1. Storm v Logan

**Title:** Cell Block Tango

**Verse**: X-Men movieverse

**Timeline**: Post X3

**Author:** KumaDaPuma

**Rating:** T

**Disclaimer:** I don't own these characters and I am not making any money off of this. **_Cell Block Tango_** is a song from the Broadway hit **_Chicago_** featuring six murdering women. I had absolutely no part in it's creation nor am I benefiting from it's popularity. I'm just a gal who enjoys showtunes among many other genres.

**Summary**: A song fic centered around six women and their reasons/methods to murder.

**Author's Note**: This idea was brought to me by one of my fave reviewers: **XChocolateChipX.** I thank you very much for the suggestion and I hope I bring justice to this story. I am so honored that you would allow me the chance to write something based on your brilliant idea! Be forewarned all…some chapters will be funny, others dramatic…you just never know with me.

For those who don't know the song the original lyrics for the first part is:

_pop_

_six_

_squish_

_uh uh_

_Cicero _

_Lipschitz_

…but I changed the last line because I thought it would be more appropriate for this story. Here are the corrections:

_pop_

_six_

_squish_

_uh uh_

_Cicero_

_Lehnsherr_

_xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx  
_

_pop_

_six_

_squish_

_uh uh_

_Cicero_

_Lehnsherr_

_He had it coming_

_He had it coming_

_He only had himself to blame_

_If you'd have been there_

_If you'd have heard it_

_I betcha you would_

_Have done the same!_

_xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx _

**Storm:**

**Mood - PMSing**

Ever know one of those guys that grates on your every nerve? You know the type: Loud, obnoxious, smelly, and stupid though he thinks he's smart as hell. A real animal. That was Logan.

We had never really been the best of friends though we tried to be cordial to each other. Still, I wouldn't have wanted to "hang out" or anything with the guy. When he first came to the mansion he was conceited and rude. He even had the audacity to call the Professor "Wheels". Such a disrespectful man. I can still scarcely believe the Professor would allow such behavior to slide in his school. Well, the professor isn't the headmaster anymore. I am.

What does everyone see in him? I could tell Jean had a subtle thing for him but her love for Scott kept her from acting on it. She's a smart, beautiful woman and he's a dumb animal. I couldn't understand her attraction to such a misbehaved miscreant. I can understand Rogue though. He picked her up in his camper and then later saved her life. They're friends but I bet they would still be close even without the whole Magneto on top of Liberty Island incident. After all, white trash stick together. Did I just say that? Is it too late to take that back? Oh, well…

It was about the time when Jean died that I realized my distaste for him was growing uncontrollably. He sulked around wearing his ratty wifebeaters, his chin scratchy and his hair even more frumpy than usual. By the way, what's with that coiffure? He looks like he stuck one of his claws in an electrical socket. Seriously though, what is that?

After the Professor died I had to take over the school. By then my distaste for him had practically turned into despise. His plan against Magneto had worked but Hank's the one that brought Magneto down…where's his glory? Why is everyone turning Logan into the hero? Hate that guy…

If I had only one word to spare the man I would use the word "prick" and not because he has one. Logan is an unethical, gruff hearted, mean prick. Ever since Jean died (again, jeez) he's been an even bigger dick. His usually latent politeness soured into self pity and still everyone is at his every whim. I ask you…what the hell is that all about?

Lately he's been disrespecting me in front of the students. It had been that way before, like when he was subbing in the danger room for Scott that one day and he "preferred" not to implement teamwork, defying my orders openly. I had been angry with him but I let it slide. Now that I'm headmistress…well, I won't be tolerating that anymore.

I had scolded some of the younger students for running through the halls after their curfews. Logan came up and told me to loosen up on them and that I needed to stop "raining" in on their parades. Haha. Very funny. He also told me I was a pot calling the kettle black. Not only did that have absolutely nothing to do with the incident but was he citing a racist joke? That cracker ass bastard…

The animosity between us grew steadily. I asked him time and time again not to bring his nasty trash beer into the school but he kept it hidden everywhere. I even caught some of the students with a new found stash chilling in the dry ice down in the chemistry labs. I brought the evidence to Logan but he only laughed and replied the students were bound to drink beer at some point. He repeated the raining joke. I told him to go to hell.

It was after that he didn't even bother hiding the fact he was drinking liquor at the school. In fact he explicitly pronounced it by intentionally coming into my office with the rest of the staff and popping the can open with an aluminum hiss. A few of the others would glance sideways at me with a curious surprise but for the most part I just glared at Logan and ignored it.

It was like I always knew where Logan was just by the sound of the freshly opened can of cheap beer. _Pop_. He was always popping those damned cans open. I never saw him drink the whole can. I only saw his audacious expression as he took the first swig, daring me to challenge him. _Pop._ Again and again, it was like he was doing it deliberately. _Pop. Pop_. I knew he was.

I asked him to the Danger Room one late night. Alone. He came in bearing his malicious grin and an unopened can of beer. What he considered reinforcements no doubt.

"Whaddya want, Stormy?" He asked, my temper already rising along with the cold of the room.

"I want you to stop defiantly disobeying my instructions and testing me in front of the students. It's unprofessional behavior." He laughed.

"Is that what we're here for? I thought you might want a go with the Wolverine…" He smiled perversely and winked in my direction. I felt my blood boil in anger which contrasted sharply with the frost in the room.

"Quit acting like a child and grow up!" I practically shouted though I tried to keep my voice calm. I didn't want him to know how mad he had made me. But I'm sure he was aware. He kept his silly grin and shrugged. His hand went to the lid of his beer on impulse, kind of like a nervous habit. I had said something he didn't like and true to form he was too stupid to give a structured reply.

"And stop drinking beer in the school!" I said upon seeing his instinctive move.

"Or what?" He asked menacingly.

"Or else!" I said shooting back with as much threat in my voice. He paused and looked at me. There was a hint of curiosity in his eyes.

"Or else what?" He asked in a low insolent voice. _Pop_. He made a point of opening the can in dramatic fashion. His eyes never left me as he searched for that glimmer of rage in my frame. He didn't have to look far.

He dropped the can as I summoned the wind to sweep around us harshly. It screamed loudly in his ears the depth of my wrath. He unsheathed his claws and prepared for a fight but I could tell in his eyes he knew he had gone too far. I had been waiting for him to expose those metal claws. In a way his adamantium skeleton was his curse. He was helpless against a man as powerful as Magneto. He was helpless against a woman as vengeful as me.

I called the lightening. It obeyed me as I pointed its new course. I told it to strike the claws.

It only took one strike to zap Logan into a light bulb. The shock that went through him lit up his metal frame like a Christmas tree. I could see the surprise in his eyes as he began to waste away, his body was not fast enough to regenerate the skin, blood and muscle he was losing. The acrid smell of burning flesh filled the air but I barely paid attention to it. After several seconds what was left of his body crumbled to the floor. I walked up to the steaming pile of shi…er, ash. There was only charred metal and black dust. I'd like to see him regenerate from that. Haha! Sometimes I make me laugh…

I placed all the metal into six separate boxes since I couldn't carry the bulk of it by myself. It must have weighed almost two hundred pounds. No wonder the guy was so buff.

I took the remnants to a cliff and threw them over. I thought vaguely of doing a little rain dance just to ruin his soul's parade but I remembered animals don't have souls. Or so Kurt tells me.

The next day people immediately noted Logan was gone. I had already packed his few things and threw them over the cliff with his skeleton so it looked like he had taken off unexpectedly. I told them he had decided to go find out about his past even though he had already found out the bulk of it back at Alkali Lake. Still, it seemed plausible enough. Rogue was having a hard time believing he would leave without saying good bye but I explained that he was already too sad at having said good bye to Jean that he wouldn't want to say it again. I doubt she believed me but what was she to do? Why would I lie to her? Hee hee…

For months I was able to keep this story. The questions regarding Logan's whereabouts died down and finally life returned back to normal. I had gotten away with murder.

I bet you're wondering how I ended up in jail with the other five murderesses. If I had gotten away with it then how did I find myself behind these iron bars as thick as Logan's adamantium skeleton? Well, it all started when Professor Xavier showed up unexpectedly again. That nosy telepath…

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

So, what'd you think? This is the first of six chapters. Every chapter is completely different from each other. Even the moods are highly diverse. Please leave a review. I'd be interested in knowing which character you think kills Pyro... That story will be posted tomorrow.


	2. Callisto v Pyro

**Title:** Cell Block Tango

**Verse**: X-Men movieverse

**Timeline**: Post X3

**Author:** KumaDaPuma

**Rating:** T

**Disclaimer:** I don't own these characters and I am not making any money off of this. **_Cell Block Tango_** is a song from the Broadway hit **_Chicago_** featuring six murdering women. I had absolutely no part in it's creation nor am I benefiting from it's popularity. I'm just a gal who enjoys showtunes among many other genres.

**Summary**: A song fic centered around six women and their reasons/methods to murder.

**Author's Note**: This idea was brought to me by one of my fave reviewers: **XChocolateChipX.** I thank you very much for the suggestion and I hope I bring justice to this story. I am so honored that you would allow me the chance to write something based on your brilliant idea! Be forewarned all…some chapters will be funny, others dramatic…you just never know with me.

For those who don't know the song the original lyrics for the first part is:

_pop_

_six_

_squish_

_uh uh_

_Cicero _

_Lipschitz_

…but I changed the last line because I thought it would be more appropriate for this story. Here are the corrections:

_pop_

_six_

_squish_

_uh uh_

_Cicero_

_Lehnsherr_

_xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx_

_pop_

_six_

_squish_

_uh uh_

_Cicero_

_Lehnsherr_

_x _

_He had it coming_

_He had it coming_

_He only had himself to blame._

_If you'd have been there_

_If you'd have seen it_

_I betcha_

_You would have done the same!_

_x _

**Callisto:**

**Mood: Jealous**

**x **

There was a six year difference between us. All three of us apparently though I never really knew Mystique. I saw the pain in his eyes whenever someone mentioned her name but for the most part Magneto didn't say anything about her. Still, I knew that he had loved her. Which made me all the more glad that she was gone.

Pyro told me that Mystique was thirty-one years old, twelve years his senior. I didn't ask him how he knew this. Pyro himself was only nineteen. I am twenty-five. Exactly in the median of their ages. I was six years younger than Mystique, six years older than Pyro.

Magneto. The man is a god. He says I'm a goddess among insects. He immediately appointed me as one of his top soldiers. I couldn't have been more proud. When I led him to the mobile prison where he seemed anxious to release who he called his "most loyal and beloved soldier" I couldn't help but feel slightly jealous. I had only known him for a few days but already I wanted to be the one that he was most appreciative of.

No, I know what you're thinking. I wasn't in love with the man. Eww…he's like three times my age. Rather he was like a father figure and I wanted to be his favorite child. Luckily for me that woman took the dart for him or else I would have had some serious contention. Plus it would have been like a mother daughter struggle and daughters never win when it comes to a man's affection for his partner.

Still, there was the "son". Pyro. I couldn't stand that punk when we first met him in Boston. What a smug little bastard. But he was Magneto's right hand man, or at least he was now that Mystique was gone. I could tell he had been jealous of her for the same reason I was jealous of him. He was Magneto's favorite. I hated him.

I don't understand why Magneto chose him. Sure, he had been one of the first to join the Brotherhood and his powers were actually quite impressive but he was a punk kid with no love for authority whose fiery temper could cause a lot of trouble. Lucky thing Magneto has him under his thumb or else Pyro would be uncontrollable. My level of mutancy is a little lower than Pyros's but not by much. Neither of us are even close to the level Magneto is at. He's a level four mutant and quite powerful. Or at least he was.

We had all failed him that night on Alcatraz. That dumb weather witch was smarter than she looks. Damn her. Pyro was head butted. Haha! What an idiot. One hit and he was out like a light. But poor Magneto. He got stabbed with four cure darts. After that he was no longer a god. I have no idea what happened to him once the dust settled.

I found myself homeless and lost in the city of San Francisco. Now what? After wandering a few days I stumbled across a large group of people huddled around a small fire in the middle of an alley. One of them had a familiar tattoo. I showed them my similar tattoo and I was immediately welcomed into their group.

These other mutants quickly became my best friends. There were six of us. I was the only class three mutant. We raised hell.

A few weeks later I had left the group to go get some potato chips from the local corner store and a bag of weed from the local corner dealer. When I came back I saw there was a new member. I felt immediate irritation upon seeing the familiar face.

"Hey, Callisto!" One of the guys said exuberantly. "This is Pyro. He's a class four mutant!" I was now outclassed. Again. What the hell?

"I know." I said, my face contorted in jealousy.

"Oh, that's right. She can sense the powers of other mutants." My friend told Pyro though the fireball stood staring at me with that stupid smirk.

"Just shut up. I know this brat." I said.

"Thought you'd be glad to see a fellow brother, Callisto." Pyro sneered. Before I could even reply my friends had him surrounded like he was the star quarterback just voted homecoming king. I glared at him enviously. First Magneto and now my friends? He always has to show me up? What an ass! Just because he's in a higher class doesn't make him better than me. And I intended for him to know that.

It was time to fight fire with fire.

"Hey Fire Freak!" I yelled to him. Everyone around him quieted down and turned their attention to me including the boy in the middle. "You think you're better than me? Let's see what you got!" I said in my most cliché speech ever. Everyone glanced at one another and then over at Pyro who never let his gaze stray from mine. The silence that followed was loud with tension as we glared hard at each other at a hundred paces, our arms hung stiffly at our sides, like we had imaginary guns in our imaginary holsters. I could almost here the theme from The Good, The Bad and The Ugly in the background.

The others sensed a fight was about to break out in the middle of this back alley. They climbed on top of the dumpsters and boxes and settled in to watch the battle.

Pyro continued to give me that death stare of his. He's such a snobby kid. I can't stand him. We faced each other trying to kill one another with our looks but slowly realizing it was going to take more than that to exile the other from our new group. I waited for him to make the first move. And waited…

My super fast reflexes easily noted the first sign of attack. His index finger on his right hand twitched. As soon as he released a blaze of fire from his handy lighter I took off running in his direction. He shot out a burst of fire that bolted at me with surprising speed. But nothing is faster than I am. I dodged it, feeling the searing heat lick at my skin, before running towards Pyro again. He shot out another fireball which sailed past me, hitting the brick wall at the back of the alleyway. As soon as it passed me I stopped where I was and let him see me waving my finger at him and shaking my head unimpressed. He gritted his teeth in anger and then released three more successive fireballs at me. He had aimed it so that the fire enveloped the entire alley, blocking my way towards him. I ran in the other direction towards the back of the alley where it dead ended. I ran behind a dumpster where I found everyone else hiding as the fireballs shot past me and hit the brick wall. I stood up and as fast as I could ran towards where Pyro stood. He was able to release his sixth and last fireball before I easily dodged it and caught up to him. I held my arm out and clothes lined him right in the neck. He went flying backwards where his whole body hit the pavement in a sickening thud. I stood above him, my shadow outlining my body over his now feeble form. I saw his right index finger twitch again and before he had time to fire up his lighter I kicked his hand repeatedly until the lighter flew off and landed among the trash next to the dumpsters.

"All right! All right! You win Callisto!" He yelled once he realized he was not going to win this fight. I stopped and glared at his puny form. Though he just lost the battle he glared back at me with the same bratty unwarranted demeanor as though it had ended in a draw. "Jeez, Speedy, that time of the month, huh?" He said as he stood up and brushed himself off. I heard snickering from behind me. How dare those "friends" of mine laugh at his joke on me! I just frickin won! Why do I still feel like Pyro remains the real winner? I turned and gave them all an evil glare and that shut them the hell up. I felt a hand go to my shoulder and I turned to look at Pyro giving me the last thing I wanted to see. He was giving me a pity look.

"Calm down, Callisto, sheesh!" He said shaking his head at me. "No wonder everyone likes me better. Even Magneto thought I was better than you." That statement boiled my blood. Magneto did not think that! I tried to calm down but I could feel myself growing hot with wrath. Pyro's stupid grin alone caused me to hate everything. At that moment I hated everything and everyone and it was all because of that stupid boy standing in front of me. I tried to calm down, knew I was being silly, but that stupid pity look…

"Callisto? You okay?" Pyro asked. He barely had time to react before I head butted him like Iceman had done. The kid was down again holding his head in complete painful surprise. I kicked him in the head once. I kicked him twice. I kicked him a third and then a fourth and then a fifth and then a sixth time before the blood that was running out of his mouth and nose had splattered all over the brick of this back alley. The others watched in horror as I destroyed this male chauvinistic pig. He was a brat, a snob, an idiot. He was overrated and immature. He was an asshole. He was the devil.

As soon as I realized he was dead I stopped and looked at his remains. Nope, I didn't feel in the least bit bad about it. I hope that devil went back to hell where he belongs. I noticed something in his front pocket and I took it as a souvenir of my good deed. As I walked by the other mutants they all cowered away in fear. Those dumbasses.

It didn't take long for the cops to find me. Its hard for a homeless girl to hide, ya know? The only thing they found on me was my latest acquisition. A lighter with the mark of the devil on it: 666.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

**Author's note:** So, I don't know if you've noticed but I'm trying to make all the writing aspects different. The upcoming chapters will showcase that idea. This story had a small fight included in it which enhanced it to action status. Next chapter Jugs is gonna die. Who did it? Find out tomorrow. Same X-time. Same X-channel.

**XChocolateChipX** - I'm glad you're liking this story so far! Without your idea this story would not exist.

**Frankie** - Haha! I've been waiting to murder Logan for quite some time. Note it was the first chapter. Lol.

**cajun-beauty** - That was a good guess, and my original idea was to have Kitty kill him but I couldn't figure out a good way to do it. Plus I wanted to write Callisto in cause I love any member from the Brotherhood.

**AngelofSnow** - I can't believe no one ever realized his adamantium skeleton is a great electrical conductor. How does he even survive microwaving things? Whatever. Anyway, you know you're awesome and that you're one of the most amazing writers on this site! Thanks for being an inspiration and laughing at all the appropriate fics!


	3. Archlight v Juggernaut

**Title:** Cell Block Tango

**Verse**: X-Men movieverse

**Timeline**: Post X3

**Author:** KumaDaPuma

**Rating:** T

**Disclaimer:** I don't own these characters and I am not making any money off of this. **_Cell Block Tango_** is a song from the Broadway hit **_Chicago_** featuring six murdering women. I had absolutely no part in it's creation nor am I benefiting from it's popularity. I'm just a gal who enjoys showtunes among many other genres.

**Summary**: A song fic centered around six women and their reasons/methods to murder.

**Author's Note**: This idea was brought to me by one of my fave reviewers: **XChocolateChipX.** I thank you very much for the suggestion and I hope I bring justice to this story. I am so honored that you would allow me the chance to write something based on your brilliant idea! Be forewarned all…some chapters will be funny, others dramatic…you just never know with me.

For those who don't know the song the original lyrics for the first part is:

_pop_

_six_

_squish_

_uh uh_

_Cicero _

_Lipschitz_

…but I changed the last line because I thought it would be more appropriate for this story. Here are the corrections:

_pop_

_six_

_squish_

_uh uh_

_Cicero_

_Lehnsherr_

_xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx _

_pop_

_six_

_squish_

_uh uh_

_Cicero_

_Lehnsherr_

_x _

_He had it coming_

_He had it coming_

_He took a flower _

_In its prime_

_And then he used it_

_And he abused it_

_It was a murder_

_But not a crime!_

_x _

**Archlight:**

**  
Mood: Ludicrously Irritated**

x

I am not a boy! Jeez, doesn't anyone see I've got a healthy A-cup chest! Jeez!

So anyway, I may not be the most, uh, desirable gal in the world, but I have a lot more to offer than some of the others. I won't mention names. **X**cough**X** Rosanne Barr** X**cough**X**

I'm the kinda gal that has to take whatever I can get. When it comes along sometimes I find it's easier to just take it while it's there rather than question it. Ya know?

One day the big guy approached me. Yeah, Juggernaut. He's a big guy. Not a real looker but like I said…take what I can get… He seemed genuine at first. He was all "Arc, lookin' good today, love" and "Hey Hot Mama". Yeah, all that crap. I can't believe I fell for that. What the hell was I thinking? I can't quit shaking my head in disbelief.

Anywho, one night after shooting back a few cheap gins I worked up the nerve to ask him to my room. He had already downed eight beers, four tequila shots, twelve gin and tonics and a bottle of J&B. He was pretty plastered. Kept stumbling into walls. On the way through the metallic lair he fell into the commons room. He staggered around then with a loud, thunderous roar he fell backwards. He landed with a deafening crash and broke the couch. A couch! Those things don't break easily but he managed to squish that thing like a bug. When he managed to get up the thing was flattened like a steamroller had run over it.

Oh, well. I think it was from Ikea. Easily replaced.

We finally made it to my room. We walked in, I turned to close the door, turned back to face him and the drunk was already naked except for his ridiculous steel helmet. I've never known anyone to pull off their clothes so quickly in all my life. Maybe that was apart of his mutation, but doubtful.

I also noticed the Harry Potter boxers lying on the ground amidst his strewn gear. Nice.

The first thing women notice about a man (though we always lie and say we don't care) is the size of what he's working with. The first thought that came to my mind was "whoop-de-do" and I don't mean in an enthusiastic tone. Perhaps it was his bulky frame that made his penis look so small. Or maybe it was really that small. Most likely the latter.

"C'mon, Love, and give us a kiss!" He said as he stumbled towards me, his eyes closed, his lips already puckered out into the air. Dammit, if I wasn't so frickin' hard up…

"Don't you want to take the helmet off?" He gave me an offended look.

"No! Not me helmet! It's whot makes me so damned irri-, eh, irresis-tit-able- uh, irre-, irri-, eh, irrisssss….."

"Irresistible?" I asked, my patience at him trying to figure it out on his own completely diminished.

"Yeeeeaaah…That's it." Though he still sounded unsure. I rolled my eyes.

"C'mon…" I took him by the hand and he took this as his cue to get all carnal with me. He practically tore my clothes off. Actually, he did tear them off. The tight rip of the nylons hurt like hell.

"Hey!" I shouted though he didn't pay attention. Or maybe he didn't hear me under that stupid helmet. I like to give him the benefit of the doubt. There were red welts were he had snapped my clothes off. Those certainly hurt later on. Didn't heal for like a week.

He easily lifted my naked body up and slammed me down on the bed. He jumped on top of me. His body hit mine forcibly and I felt the wind get knocked out of my lungs. The bed underneath us strained under his weight. It creaked sadly like it was in pain. You and me both cheap springboard mattress…

"You're gonna have to help me with this, Love." He said. I looked down and saw his dick in his hand. To my horror I realized he meant he had no idea where to put that. The virgin alarm went off in my head. I helped him out though I shot him a disdainful look. He didn't notice.

He thrusted erratically, sweat pouring down his body, the pillows were actually soaked in his sweat. Gross. I was practically swimming in it. Double gross.

Forty eight seconds later he was spent. I had barely felt a thing. Well, where it counts. Other than that my body was a mess of welts and burns. I felt on fire and I don't mean a symbolic erotic fire. Far from it.

With his last thrust and comical shrill moan the bed finally gave out and collapsed under the force. I felt my wind get knocked out of me a second time as his body thumped back onto mine. I had been squished again like a bug. Or a couch. Oh, the pain!

From on top of me I heard a whimper from him. Oh, god, was he crying? I didn't know what to do but then he immediately fell asleep while I was still under him, tears still sliding down his cheeks. His loud snores breaking loose right in my face. Mother fucker…It took all my strength but I managed to roll him over onto his back. It took longer for me to get him off than it took for him to get himself off (know what I mean?). Go figure.

I finally had a moment to reflect back on the evening.

Wow. That sucked.

Juggernaut's snores filled the room so I grabbed a non-sweat-soaked pillow and headed for the commons room to sleep on one of the still intact and surprisingly comfortable couches. Ikea is truly the bomb.

After that Juggernaut ignored me. Every time I passed him in the halls he pretended not to see me. I was so pissed off! I mean, really, what the hell?

In the refectory I would see him eating with several other mutants as dumb as him (he never hung out with the smart ones like Callisto or the cool ones like Pyro) and every time I came in I would see him glance in my direction then duck his head towards the rest of the guys and start whispering to them, his mouth upturned in a cocky grin. That bastard.

I think that night shot his confidence skyward because ever since then he had openly displayed his lust for Mystique. She, of course, was completely out of his league. No where near it in fact. Plus everyone knew she only wanted Magneto but he was too busy planning world domination to notice. Still, he would stare longingly at her blue body. The looks on her face was of pure annoyance. Every time I caught him looking at her that way I wanted to shove that metal helmet up his ass. More than once I wished I had Magneto's power so that I could make that dream reality. I could tell Mystique did too.

But there was a point when I decided I would no longer put up with his crap. All this silent treatment and pretending not to notice me and then talking about me behind my back finally made me snap when the last straw was added. Juggernaut did something completely unforgiving. He called me a boy.

It was on a cloudy morning on the island. There were about seventy mutants that lived in the lair and most of us were outside practicing our Tai Chi. Mystique is very strict about all of us getting our daily meditation. She says it's very good for clearing the mind. After that day I'm quite skeptical. While I was moving my body with the slow mechanisms of the art, I heard a few snickers come from behind me. I looked and saw Juggernaut quietly trying to stifle his laughter along with some of the other idiots of the group. When they all saw that I was glancing in their general direction they quickly assumed back into their Tai Chi positions though their mouths were pursed in tight grins.

"You've got something to say, Jugs?" I asked still performing the slow movements. He looked at me but then glanced away and found it too difficult from then on to hide his smile.

"Me and the blokes here noting you're the only chick with a rack that ain't got no spice." The two guys beside him (both level two mutants) bent over double with laughter. Juggernaut had a stupid grin that seemed to congratulate himself for what he considered such a clever offense. I immediately stopped my meditations and faced him with a glare that would freeze up Pyro's flames.

"Well I was just noting how you're the only guy here with a head that has no brain!" Yeah, I realize it was a lame comeback but I couldn't think anything else up at the time. Still, it was enough to wipe that smile off his dumb face.

"Wha'd you say to me!" He asked rather menacingly. He was loud enough that everyone else stopped their practices and turned to stare at our entertaining drama unfolding before them.

"You heard me." Was all I said before turning back to my meditation. I didn't want to argue with him. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction. But then he muttered something to his friends that completely pissed me off.

"I'd call her a bitch if she were a girl." I turned around quickly enough to startle him.

"What the fuck are you implying!" I demanded. He recovered from surprise and growled in disdain at my behavior. Everyone was now circled around us in excited anticipation. A fight was brewing. I strode up to him and poked a finger in his huge chest. "Buddy, you're the one that wanted me so badly, you queer!" My choice of words stabbed his pride painfully. I could see the anger in his narrowed eyes beneath that stupid helmet.

"What the hell, you bitch!"

"So I'm a bitch after all, eh?" I was already formulating a plan in my head. I knew exactly how to rid the world of this numbskull…and make it look like an accident. Lucky for me Magneto was in his office and Mystique had gone somewhere to talk with Callisto. No one could stop me. No one could save him now. I hopped around him as he tried to grab me with his thick arms. "I didn't realize gays were slow!" I said taunting him, making sure I had my back to the monstrous cliffs a mere hundred feet away. He roared in anger as he swiped his arm around again. I ducked effortlessly. Good thing this guy doesn't have a beef about fighting girls. Then again, he doesn't really consider me one and for that he has to die. I positioned myself a few yards from him before throwing out another taunt.

"What's the matter, fag? You all queered out?" He bellowed out a battle cry before ducking his head into his chest and charging at me like a rhino. I ran away from him, making sure he was following me as I headed towards the cliff. One thing I had underestimated about him was his speed. He was surprisingly quick so I took off as fast as my thin legs could carry me. He had almost caught up to me when I shot to the side and rolled out of his path. I don't think he even knew I had done that, his head was tucked so low. I had the pleasure of straightening up right as I saw his massive frame run right off the cliff. I was close enough that I only had to run a short distance before I was at the edge of the cliff.

I could hear a thunderous yell as he plummeted towards the water below. I ran up just in time to see him splash into the ocean below. If he didn't drown from the weight of his helmet, and if he didn't die because of the crashing of the tides, then surely the large boulders near the edge of the cliff squished him as I clapped an electric shock causing them to fall after Juggernaut. Perhaps it was that little act that struck suspicion in the hearts of the Brotherhood members. Could it be? Hmmmm….

Anyway, when Mystique and Magneto had finally come to inquire about the "accident" I could tell my leader did not believe a word I said. I know this because he told me so. In fact, this is what he said, verbatim:

"Archlight, Mystique told me to take pity on you but your lies are what failed you here today. As it is I cannot abide a member of the Brotherhood to kill another brother nor can I afford to have a member I cannot trust with the truth. You leave me no choice." What does Mystique see in him? He's so stuffy…

Anyway, Magneto went to the cliff to mentally search for any source of metal below. He finally pulled up a body from the depths of the waters, the metal of the helmet manipulated so that it conformed to the body. It looked like Magneto had foil wrapped the man. I tried to hold back a snicker but for some reason I found the metal wrapped mummy quite silly. Mystique just gave me an odd look. I think Magneto was ignoring me. When he settled the body onto the ground he pulled the metal off and we all came to inspect him. Now, I'm no forensics expert but I'm quite sure the pebbles imbedded into the large indented region of his stomach can only imply one thing. The boulder totally nailed him. Bullseye!

Magneto looked at me with disapproval. When I showed no remorse he rolled his eyes and then shook his head while he closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. Mystique took this moment to high five me while he wasn't looking. At least someone approves.

Like salt to the wounds, Magneto fashioned a part of the late Juggernauts helmet into a set of handcuffs that wrapped themselves around my wrists. Later Toad took me into the helicopter and dropped me off at the local jail. They locked me up for murder. Not for Juggernaut. Of course not. What would they care? No, I had a warrant out for my arrest for killing a man once. What can I say? He called me a boy.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

**Author's note**: Hardly any part of this story was my idea. The premise was Chip's idea and a lot of the content was AngelofSnow's. The Harry Potter boxers, the virgin idea, the crying after sex and the ending was all AngelofSnow's suggestions. All really great suggestions too. Thanks Angel! You're so damned clever! Without you this story wouldn't have been near as funny.

Btw, all the crude comments regarding those of the gay public are purely for characterization purposes and in no way reflect my own personal opinions. I have nothing against gay people. Why else would I love Ian McKellen so much?

**Frankie** – Lol, thnx! Three more stories to go!

**The 42** – Happy to help you during your post vacation withdraws! You got one out of three guesses right but the Jean one is very tricky! I can't imagine anyone could really guess who she kills. As for Mystique, well, she's in the last chapter. Btw, how's your Pyro fic coming along? I'm anxious to read it! 

**AngelofSnow** - Thos fight scenes keep getting harder and harder to write. But you would know about that as you've written a few of your own. Thanx for being my beta! You're awesome!


	4. Rogue v Bobby

**Title:** Cell Block Tango

**Verse**: X-Men movieverse

**Timeline**: Post X3

**Author:** KumaDaPuma

**Rating:** T

**Disclaimer:** I don't own these characters and I am not making any money off of this. **_Cell Block Tango_** is a song from the Broadway hit **_Chicago_** featuring six murdering women. I had absolutely no part in it's creation nor am I benefiting from it's popularity. I'm just a gal who enjoys showtunes among many other genres.

**Summary**: A song fic centered around six women and their reasons/methods to murder.

**Author's Note**: This idea was brought to me by one of my fave reviewers: **XChocolateChipX.** I thank you very much for the suggestion and I hope I bring justice to this story. I am so honored that you would allow me the chance to write something based on your brilliant idea! Be forewarned all…some chapters will be funny, others dramatic…you just never know with me.

For those who don't know the song the original lyrics for the first part is:

_pop_

_six_

_squish_

_uh uh_

_Cicero _

_Lipschitz_

…but I changed the last line because I thought it would be more appropriate for this story. Here are the corrections:

_pop_

_six_

_squish_

_uh uh_

_Cicero_

_Lehnsherr_

_xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx _

_pop_

_six_

_squish_

_uh uh_

_Cicero_

_Lehnsherr_

_x _

_He had it coming_

_He had it coming_

_He took a flower _

_In its prime_

_And then he used it_

_And he abused it_

_It was a murder_

_But not a crime!_

_x _

**Rogue:**

**Mood: Suspicious**

**x **

It's those damned voices! They drive me nuts! They always think they know better, always telling me what to do…I just wish they'd go away!

"_Go to his room. He's with her right now."_ John whispers in my ear.

"I'm going! I'm going! Jeez, John, just let me do this on my own, okay?" I answer him.

"_Don't even bother with him, kid. Just dump him. He's a nobody."_ Logan says gruffly.

"No, I have to find out if he's cheating on me. I can't just dump him for no reason." It feels like there are rocks in my tummy. I hate this anticipation and I am bracing myself for what I am afraid to find as I near Bobby's room in the boys' wing of the mansion.

"_Oh, yes you can, my dear."_ Magneto's baritone says surprisingly calm. _"Despite the lack of maturity among the young boys in your generation, there are bound to be better prospects than this lousy specimen of a mutant."_ How can he, of all people, put Bobby down?

"I could say the same about you, Magneto." I chide. I hear a chuckle from the Master of Magnetism and I roll my eyes. I hate how he thinks it's funny when I insult him.

"_Please don't dump me."_ The Bobby in my head says. It wrenches my heart in anguish. He's such a small presence because our contact was so slight but he's here nevertheless and currently his pleas are distressing. I ignore him and keep heading down the hall. To my surprise David spoke up as well.

"_Dump him, Marie."_ He must feel very strongly about it. He never speaks up anymore especially not with Logan and Magneto, both very strong presences and intimidating characters, around. I feel sorry for him. He's the only human in my head and is often pushed to the side even though he was the first one to enter my mind. At first I was going to ignore him but I realize that he should be acknowledged for his efforts.

"I can't, David." That is all that needs to be said. He doesn't respond anymore. I finally arrive at my destination. I'm standing in front of Bobby's door to his room. With my hand on the doorknob I take a deep breath…then I swiftly open the door and rush in.

I feel a gasp escape my lips. I hear gasps from Logan, John, Magneto, Bobby and David inside my head. I see Bobby and Kitty pull away from each other, their lips breaking apart, complete surprise and guilt etched in their features.

"Uh-uh! Oh, no you didn't! I knew it!" I shout as I point an accusing finger at the cheaters. I can hear the men grumbling inside my head, all of them saying they had seen it coming. All except Bobby. He too seems as surprised as the real Bobby.

Kitty is a coward. I turn my attention to her and give her a stern glare and she immediately gives off a girly shriek then with hands thrown in the air she turns and runs, phasing through the wall. I should have known she would be too scared to face me, that coward.

"Shit, Rogue! What the hell?" Bobby yells at me. Those damned voices in my head all ooh in disapproval with him.

"_What does he mean 'what the hell'?"_ John demands. _"You should be asking him the same thing!"_ Dammit, John, I intend to, just lay off me…

"What do you mean 'what the hell'?" I repeat John. "I should be asking you the same thing!"

"Uh-uh, you shouldn't be barging in here! This is my room, Rogue!" Real Bobby yells practically in my face. If I could actually see the guys in my head they would probably all be glaring at Real Bobby in disdain. I can hear the Bobby in my head wincing. He's embarrassed by his real counterpart's behavior. Is it possible Bobby actually got more immature as he aged?

"I don't care that it's your room!" I shout back into his face. "What are you doing kissing Kitty!"

"_He had his hand up her shirt too, ya know."_ Logan butts in. Jeez, Logan, I can handle this, I tell him. Real Bobby is staring daggers at me.

"Well, I sure as shit ain't getting anything from you!" Real Bobby spits out. It's my turn to stare daggers at him.

"_In my recollection Mr. Drake has often implied that the danger of your mutation never bothered him before, my dear."_ I hear Magneto's velvet voice interject between the silence.

"Dammit, Magneto, just shut up!" I say out loud. Real Bobby looks at me in surprise.

"Magneto? What the hell, Rogue? That's one hell of a slip up you just made there."

"Bobby, you know I can't get rid of these voices in my head." I say wearily, not wanting him to bring up the subject…but he does.

"And that's another thing about you! You're always hearing voices and reflecting back on memories that aren't yours. You're pretty damned schizzo if you ask me."

"_I didn't… er, he didn't mean it."_ Bobby says in my head. I ignore him.

"Schizzo! My mutation causes me to retain the thoughts and characteristics of everyone I've ever absorbed including you Bobby! You could be a little more sympathetic!"

"What? I am sympathetic! I'm tired of being sympathetic!"

"Uh-uh! You never understand me!"

"Whatever! You're too crazy to understand!"

"Uh-uh!"

"Yes huh!"

"UH-UH!"

"YES HUH!"

"_Call him a Brain Freeze."_ Pyro says quickly.

"Brain Freeze!" I repeat before really realizing what I said. I seem to be repeating John a lot. Real Bobby seems to have taken notice.

"I see you've got John telling you what to do in there." He states icily, tapping a finger to my head. I slap his hand away irately.

"Don't touch me."

"I can't and never will. I never want to either." His cold voice pierces my heart. All the guys in my head start speaking at once.

"_Sucker punch him in the stomach, Rogue!"_ Pyro yells.

"_Don't tolerate this kind of behavior, my dear."_ Magneto calmly replies.

"_I didn't mean it! I didn't mean it!"_ Bobby says with panic.

"_Dump his ass!"_ David's courageous statement rings out.

"_I'll rip out his gonads fer ya, Marie."_ Logan growls. But I remain calm. I'm not going to do what they tell me to do anymore. Especially John. That guy's a bad influence.

"Don't you ever talk to me again, Bobby. I hate you!" I say defiantly. Although my voice sounds strong I can feel my hands shaking in fear, sadness and rage. I turn to leave.

"Good." Real Bobby says behind me as I am walking towards the door. "Have a nice life, Virgin. Or rather have nice lives, Soul Sucker." It's the stupidest response I have ever heard anyone say. And it ignites my wrath. The guys in my head are too startled to speak. I imagine they're staring at Real Bobby wide eyed in appall. There is a moment of silence as everyone collects their bearings, including me as I stare at Real Bobby in hateful fury, (Bobby has a look on his face that basically reads: "Yeah, I went there.") until the voices in my head erupt in resentment.

"_Damn, Rogue, I am so sorry!"_ Bobby cries with distress.

"_Knee him in the nads!"_ Logan yells.

"_Bitch slap him!"_ David shouts.

"_Don't allow this verbal injustice to go unpunished!"_ Magneto sternly replies.

"_Kick his ass!"_ Pyro yells. For some reason I can only utter the first thing that comes to my mind…

"Uh-uh! Oh no you di-in't!" I come towards him in a quick angry pace. I see the sudden fear in his eyes as he backs away from me, that smug look is now gone. I grab his arm with my bare hand and grip his wrist hard. "Don't you ever disrespect me again!" I shout into his face. My hand comes up to his neck and I wrap my fingers around his throat. I can feel my power surging, my boiling blood is integrating with the cold plasma of his mutation creating what feels like a vortex of temperature. I feel flashes of intense heat and numbing cold but the two never mix, only circulate throughout my body with the suction of his powers.

Bobby's face is etched in surprise and pain. I can feel him empowering me. I unintentionally create icicles where my hands meet his wrist and neck. The ice spreads and starts to consume his body.

"_Time to let go, Rogue. You've shown him not to mess with you."_ Pyro says in my head though I barely hear him.

"_That's enough Marie! Let go!"_ Logan says more forcefully. But I don't let go. I don't want to do what they tell me to do anymore. I can feel David sliding away in fear.

Bobby is starting to turn blue. With his life force sapped his body cannot support the cold anymore. His hand comes up and he shoots a spray of ice at me but it is ineffective due to my body's ability to now absorb the ice and because he is so weakened that the spray is merely a thin strip exuding from his hands.

"_Please let go, Rogue! You're killing me!"_ Bobby pleads in my head. His voice is suddenly louder than it has ever been and I realize it is because there is more of him in my mind now. _"Let go, Rogue! Let me go!"_ The Real Bobby is enveloped in ice as I cocoon the sheet of cold water around him. The amount of life I am taking from him starts to reduce dramatically as there is less of it to take.

"_Rogue!"_ Magneto's booming voice is very commanding. _"Never hurt a fellow mutant, Rogue! You must stop!"_ I've always thought his voice was like the voice of God. Aren't I supposed to obey God? _"Stop it, Rogue! You've got to let go!"_ He repeats.

"_Stop, Rogue!"_ Pyro shouts.

"_Stop it!"_ Bobby pleads.

"_Let go, Marie! Let him go!"_ Logan gruffly barks.

"_STOP IT!"_ They all shout at once. And I let go.

My breathing is ragged as sucking a life is a very strenuous task. I feel weak from labor but at the same time stronger from my new powers. Bobby's ice encased body starts to fall backwards, his face still a mask of pain and horror as he hits the floor and shatters in a million pieces. That's going to be a bitch to clean up later on. The voices in my head don't speak. For the first time in a long time I feel alone though I know they're there. I guess they know not to fuck with me anymore. Its going to be obvious who killed Bobby Drake and I'm sure Storm is not going to protect such an atrocious offense from the police. Chances are I'm going to jail but right now I just don't care. Lock me in a cell alone for the rest of my life. I'll always have company. Do I or will I ever regret this moment? Uh-uh. Not this girl.

Now then. Where's Kitty?

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

**AngelofSnow** - That Archlight chapter is my personal fave! I'm glad you liked it! But then again I stole pretty much everyone of your ideas and incorporated it into this fic. Hope this one meets your expectations.

**The 42** - You were right about Rogue killing Bobby. Props to you! Was this the one you thought you were right about? The Jean fic is next and it's doubtful that anyone could have really guessed who I would have her kill. Unfortunately, I couldn't seem to figure out how to make it humorous...

**Frankie** - Maybe she does and maybe she does...You'll find out in two days (or tomorrow night around 1:00 am Central).

**Chip** - Two more days! Warning: this was the last of the funny chapters. From here on out its melodrama mainly because I got writers block after this point and because it's hard to make the upcoming material funny. Hope you'll forgive me!

**Bobby's Icequeen** - Actually, Jean is the next chapter. Who do you think she kills because I was debating between two people and just finally went with the one I thought would be most appropriate. Hope you liked this Rogue fic!


	5. Jean v Xavier

**Title:** Cell Block Tango

**Verse**: X-Men movieverse

**Timeline**: Post X3

**Author:** KumaDaPuma

**Rating:** T

**Disclaimer:** I don't own these characters and I am not making any money off of this. **_Cell Block Tango_** is a song from the Broadway hit **_Chicago_** featuring six murdering women. I had absolutely no part in it's creation nor am I benefiting from it's popularity. I'm just a gal who enjoys showtunes among many other genres.

**Summary**: A song fic centered around six women and their reasons/methods to murder.

**Author's Note**: This idea was brought to me by one of my fave reviewers: **XChocolateChipX.** I thank you very much for the suggestion and I hope I bring justice to this story. I am so honored that you would allow me the chance to write something based on your brilliant idea! Be forewarned all…some chapters will be funny, others dramatic…you just never know with me.

For those who don't know the song the original lyrics for the first part is:

_pop_

_six_

_squish_

_uh uh_

_Cicero _

_Lipschitz_

…but I changed the last line because I thought it would be more appropriate for this story. Here are the corrections:

_pop_

_six_

_squish_

_uh uh_

_Cicero_

_Lehnsherr_

_xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx _

_pop_

_six_

_squish_

_uh uh_

_Cicero_

_Lehnsherr_

_x _

_He had it coming_

_He had it coming_

_He only had himself to blame_

_If you'd have been there_

_If you'd have heard it_

_I betcha you would_

_Have done the same!_

_x _

**Jean Grey:**

**Mood: Arrogant**

**x **

Jean Grey is merely a host. I am the Phoenix.

Do you know of Cicero and Caesar? They were the greatest orators in Roman history. They were the greatest orators in all the world. By today's standards they would be like the most persuasive of lawyers, the most prominent of leaders, the most influential of kings…Every word they spoke swayed country men who flocked to their sides. During that era of the most powerful culture they were the rulers. But they were enemies as well. Cicero was considered the greatest. Caesar was considered a mere second best.

Professor Xavier is the Caesar to my Cicero. Though I am the superior being he reigns as the leader. Though he is second to my powers he still has control over free will. My powers control all matter but Xavier can manipulate people. What I wouldn't give to have that power! And yet he uses it so sparingly, seeking out other mutants to enter into his care, or looking for a way to bring peace between the growing tension between humans and mutants. If I had his power I would be a god on earth by now.

As for Jean. She keeps trying to stop me. She keeps fighting. She's resilient and a damned nuisance. But she couldn't stop me. I killed Xavier.

It only took a single will. A single thought. I took Xavier's life by the superiority of my power. The rush of my strength burned at his skin, tearing the very flesh off his old bones as his ex-lover watched in horror.

Inside Jean was screaming in fear. Her screams were futile.

His body suspended in air, Xavier continued to attempt to reason with me but those too went unheeded.

The surge of my powers was vast. The entire house had been uprooted. I was barely using an ounce of my strength. I was invincible. Unstoppable. And I had targeted Xavier.

And then he looked at me and with kind eyes, he smiled.

Doubtful anyone but I could see it. Though Jean saw it. She stopped screaming.

Free will. What else could it be? It was Xavier's free will, his soul, that was in that sliver of light escaping from Xavier's body and soaring high into the air. It was the one thing I seemed to have no control over. I mindfully grasped at it, trying to catch it with my omnipotence but it slipped through my powers like sand through my fingers.

I atomized the remains of that soulless body. Nothing inhabited it and I made sure nothing ever would.

Without Xavier, without Caesar, I was now the supreme being. But I have no followers.

I'll take Magneto's. But later, when he doesn't expect it. And when Jean capitulates. At some point she's bound to understand her fighting me is ineffective.

For now I'll lie and wait.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

**Author's note**: The reason I went with Xavier is due to four incentives:

1) I wanted to write about Xavier.

2) I wanted a completely different reason for killing someone other than the previous four reasons. If you haven't noticed the motives for murder are diverse.

3) Incorporating the word "Cicero" into a Jean/Scott fic would have been extremely hard. Even though I could have changed the word I really wanted to keep the song's original lyrics.

4) I wanted to write something I'd never written before. This subtle format with minimal description save the historical aspect is quite unlike anything else I've ever written.

**AngelofSnow** – What would I do without you? Really? What would I do? I'd be so bored.

**The 42** – Horror genre? Hmmm…never thought of it that way but you've sparked an idea in my head. Plus this latest chapter sure lends to that statement. Btw, you nailed it! Jean killed Xavier. You're good, you!

**Chip** – Thnx! One more chapter left and it's not funny so feel free to eat some pasta and drink some juice. Like "One Day at Magneto's" the last chapter is sooooo sentimental. I'm so sappy sometimes. And alliterative apparently. ;P (this face winks and sticks it's tongue out) 8s (this one has no pupils and just crapped it's pants)

**Frankie** – Icehole…haha! Nice!

**Bobby's Icequeen** – Were you right? My initial intent was to have Jean kill Scott but when I wrote it out it wasn't all that funny and the "Cicero" word didn't fit. This Jean chapter strays so far from my usual writing form that I have no idea if it came across okay. Hope it met your expectations.


	6. Mystique v Magneto

**Title:** Cell Block Tango

**Verse**: X-Men movieverse

**Timeline**: Post X3

**Author:** KumaDaPuma

**Rating:** T

**Disclaimer:** I don't own these characters and I am not making any money off of this. **_Cell Block Tango_** is a song from the Broadway hit **_Chicago_** featuring six murdering women. I had absolutely no part in it's creation nor am I benefiting from it's popularity. I'm just a gal who enjoys showtunes among many other genres.

**Summary**: A song fic centered around six women and their reasons/methods to murder.

**Author's Note**: This idea was brought to me by one of my fave reviewers: **XChocolateChipX.** I thank you very much for the suggestion and I hope I bring justice to this story. I am so honored that you would allow me the chance to write something based on your brilliant idea! Be forewarned all…some chapters will be funny, others dramatic…you just never know with me.

For those who don't know the song the original lyrics for the first part is:

_pop_

_six_

_squish_

_uh uh_

_Cicero _

_Lipschitz_

…but I changed the last line because I thought it would be more appropriate for this story. Here are the corrections:

_pop_

_six_

_squish_

_uh uh_

_Cicero_

_Lehnsherr_

_xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx _

_pop_

_six_

_squish_

_uh uh_

_Cicero_

_Lehnsherr_

_x _

_He had it coming_

_He had it coming_

_He only had Himself To blame._

_If you'd have been there_

_If you'd have seen it_

_I betcha You would have done the same!_

_x _

**Mystique:**

**Mood: Vengeful**

**x **

Lehnsherr. Erik Lehnsherr. So many emotions arise with the sound of his name. Lehnsherr. He had betrayed me and I killed him.

But first let me sum up my relationship with this man, this mutant, this…god among insects. He was everything to me. And I mean everything. He was my teacher, my leader, my idol, my family, my teammate, my best friend, my lover, my obsession, my betrayer, and then my enemy. All in that chronological order. As a teacher he had grown to be my leader without having lost his previous role. Although he became my enemy I still think of him as everything else even after the pain he so needlessly caused.

Perhaps it was his charisma that drew me in the first place. At first he was Professor Lehnsherr. As a student he captivated me with his passion for physics using his smooth, solid voice that was like silk upon the ears. Later he became Magneto when we left Xavier's to pursue a life of what others deemed treacherous villainy. Around the time we had become family he had then become Erik. Though I always agreed with and obeyed Magneto, I liked when he was Erik best. I fell in love with Erik. Fell for him hard.

But Erik betrayed me. I saw it in his eyes when he stood sadly staring at me under my terrible demise when I took the dart for him. He chose to leave me behind instead rushing off to end the cure rather then stop a moment to help me. I had saved him and I received nothing in return. I had cried for days. I never cry. I had put myself in that position, but for him, so in a way he had put me in that horrible circumstance when I felt weak for being human, weak for crying over him, weak for now understanding I had never been a strong, independent woman, weak for having realized how much my life revolved around Erik Lehnsherr. Lehnsherr…

I hate him. But I still love him. I hate that I still love him and that makes me hate myself for being weak all the more.

Still, every time I see my reflection in the mirror I remember how he had betrayed me. Every time I glance upon my pale, soft hands I remember how he had betrayed me. Every time another man hits on me or asks me out I remember how he had betrayed me. I should be with him now. He never should have left me. He never should have caused so much pain in my heart that I end up crying myself to sleep over the memory of him. I wish I could get him out of my mind but he was my teacher for twenty years, my lover for ten, and my enemy for six months. We have so much history together. We'd been through and survived so much. We both rescued each other on numerous occasions. We were partners in everything. Why did he cast me aside like an old shoe?

Lately my distress had slowly morphed into intense anger. The more I thought about it (which I could never stop thinking about it) the more I realized he was to blame for everything. He's the one that setup the plan to infiltrate the building. He's the one that had failed to get me out of the structure without being captured. He's the one that had not noticed the guard on the floor was still conscious. I blamed Erik for everything. I blamed him for breaking my heart.

I wanted revenge.

It was very hard to locate him. I finally found him in New York under an alias he hadn't used in years. It's kind of lucky that I even remembered that old alias. I looked his address up but decided to scope him out before taking out my revenge. In the past few weeks I had realized my powers were returning. Although I had heard he had been taken down with four darts to the chest, plus he had sustained the cure two weeks after I did, I was still a little wary of him. He's the most powerful mutant I know. Despite the amount of cure running through his veins plus the time frame for which he took it I was a little suspicious that his powers might have been returning too.

I drove my rented car to the address I was given. I parked it and waited. It was a cute townhouse set in one of the middle income neighborhoods. There were many people milling about, mostly kids hanging out along the stoops, smoking and laughing with their neighborhood friends. They reminded me of Pyro. They were about his age.

Two hours later a man came out of the townhouse. I subconsciously inhaled a heavy breath. He wore pressed khakis, a white button down shirt, a black pea coat and a black cap on his head. He had a graying goatee, neatly trimmed. In his hand was what looked like a cigar box. He gracefully alighted the steps proceeding down to the sidewalk then causally glanced around before heading down the walk opposite my direction. I watched him as he walked away, unable to tear my eyes away from him. His elegant movements looked out of place in this unrefined part of town. Despite the change in his usually impeccable fashion, the facial hair and the low droop of his head that I had never seen other then held high with pride, I knew I had found Erik. I would recognize him anywhere.

I got out of my car and followed him making sure I had the sharp metal blade in my bag before leaving. I wished my powers weren't so slow in returning or else I could disguise myself but unfortunately I had no choice but to assume the current state I was in. The state of Raven Darkholme. I followed him a couple blocks down the road to a large park surrounded by a small pond and myriads of benches. It had been a bright day but now the clouds were beginning to block the sun with sinister hate. Still, the sun did it's best to keep the bright rays shining upon the many people not wanting to leave the park just yet.

Erik kept walking through the park till he came upon an area almost completely shaded by tall trees. Most of the tables here were vacant. I noticed Erik chose one that sat under the sun's weakened glare. His back was no longer to me and I was careful not to approach him any closer. He was about a hundred feet from where I stood. I hid behind one of the trees, making sure he wouldn't be able to see me. I watched him place his box on the table, open it up then slowly place the contents standing on the table. His chess pieces gleamed in the already dying sun.

Luckily there weren't many people in the park or else someone would have spotted me spying on some random older man. Plus the surrounding trees and bushes concealed my whereabouts quite well though it was hardly away from the path. From my position I watched Erik intently, catching every move he made, which wasn't much. His motions were slow and sad, his expressions subtle. Most of the time he sat there in stony silence. I could tell he was thinking. He looked so melancholic, so sad. For the first time since I had ever known him he looked old and fragile. I couldn't believe this was Erik. After about an hour he began to come to life. He started moving the pieces much more deliberately, his fingers nimbly picking them up and placing them on the appropriate squares in rapid succession. As soon as he placed one down he picked up and moved another opposing piece. I watched in amazement. To me it looked like this game he played against himself was a challenging one. The energy I had thought was not there had been renewed. He leaned over the board and continued his game with great amounts of visible intensity and vigor. The pieces were being overtaken one-by-one as he progressed deeper into his game until only five stood. His motions had slowed down till I saw him slowly pick up the shining white queen and knock down the silver steel king replacing its prior location with its new successor. He sat back in his chair, his chest heaving as though he had just run a marathon. Apparently that game had been very intense.

Even from this distance I could tell that he had somehow lost the game. His mouth was turned down slightly into a disappointed frown. His head drooped lower on his chest. His shoulders slumped in failure. He had been playing against himself, and he had lost. I wondered what it all meant.

Finally, I saw Erik breathe out heavily in a sigh before gathering his chess pieces and placing them back in the box. He slowly stood up and assumed the role of an old man again. It was almost like a façade, a character he portrayed to mislead anyone looking for him. He began walking back towards his townhouse…in my direction. I hid behind the trees as he approached. He was looking down to the ground, the box was tucked under his bicep, his arms hugging his jacket around himself protectively, his cap low over his eyes. As he passed I glanced at him from behind my hiding spot just in time to see him walk not ten feet away from me. There was a look in his downward gazing eyes that struck my heart with pity. There was something about him that was strikingly hard for me to bear. Something in that look. Like he was lost. Or had lost. Or was tired of losing.

He walked by with head down and I continued watching him, keeping my distance as he shuffled down the path. When he was about twenty feet away I came out of my hiding spot behind him. My heel touched the path without a sound.

Suddenly Erik stopped walking though his body remained in the same despondent position. I didn't know what to do. He hadn't turned around so couldn't have known I was behind him. He stood frozen for a few seconds, my heart pounding in my chest, but then it had been pounding since I'd first laid eyes on him an hour or two ago. Slowly he raised his head but still had not turned around. Was he looking at something? To my surprise I saw his arm raise and he took his cap off. I hadn't realized how short his hair was. It was neatly cropped. I hadn't seen it that short since I was eighteen and he was my physics professor. I could see the hesitancy in his gestures. I had never seen him like this and I knew it wasn't because of his appearance that he seemed different. He actually seemed…fearful.

He slowly turned his head first glancing over his shoulder and then turned his body around to face me. Our eyes locked and once again I felt my heart cry out excruciatingly with so many emotions he had triggered. Every moment I had ever had with him, every feeling I had ever felt for him rushed back at me with the charge of his glare. I almost gasped at having been overwhelmed.

Silently we stood facing each other. Neither of us knew what to say. I hated that the first thought that came to mind was how handsome he looked in that pea coat and trimmed hair. Damn you, Erik. It looked like he was waiting for me to approach him. I drew in a breath and came towards him, thankful that I looked just as ravishing as he did in my white blouse, black skirt and heels. I was dressed to kill.

He held his cap in his hands as he waited for me to walk up to him. A look of dread could not be concealed on his face. I stopped short of him, my heart racing, the blood pulsing in my ears. I swear I heard my heart beating. I wondered if he could too.

"Erik." I said, notes of anger overlapping pain in my voice. He was silent for a moment, his light blue eyes shifting back and forth between my green ones.

"You're looking well, Raven." He said quietly. It made me angrier to hear him say that. I knew he was implying my existence as a human. I had already mourned the death of Mystique and moved on. Erik was having a harder time saying good bye to Magneto.

"Still the same disparaging Erik." I said condescendingly. He slowly shook his head and reached his hand up to my face. I felt his thumb slide across my cheek back and forth, his eyes suddenly tender though his features remained harsh.

"No, I'm not." He replied. I felt the anger, the pain, the lost pride, the betrayal and blame swell up in me till my teeth gritted in rage. I sunk the sharp heavy knife into the left side of his abdomen. I pushed it in good and hard.

Erik didn't even flinch.

It was though I had not plunged the knife into him at all. He never let his soft gaze leave my eyes. A sad raised eyebrow the only indication he felt the blade. I looked down and noticed the bright red blood now soaking into his white oxford under his black coat. He was bleeding and he acted like he didn't even care. Perhaps he didn't. I was shocked. I looked back up at him to see that the color in his face was draining. He was losing blood rapidly, surely I had punctured his liver, yet he continued to stare at me with that tenderness he had never shown before. Where was that tenderness when I saved him from the cure the first time?

"Erik…?"

"Mystique." He whispered with a soft smile placed at the corner of his lips, his features now turning into a mask of sadness. I watched as his blood surged from his body and ran down his legs to the ground. The blood, like my anger, was seeping away and I realized that this was his way of apologizing for betraying me. This was what he felt he needed to do in order for me to understand his shame. Upon the dawning of that revelation suddenly I felt immediate regret. What had I done? He had been remorseful after all. I was killing him. What had I done?

The loss of blood weakened him. The box slipped from his hand and hit the ground with a rattle as the pieces escaped and were strewn across the sidewalk. His head swayed with the heaviness of his conscious and his knees faltered underneath him. I caught him before he fell to the ground though I couldn't keep him up. I laid him as gently as I could onto the path, his head was now in my lap as my tears began to escape my eyes.

"Erik, I'm sorry." I said through my tears. The strength he still had he used to shake his head.

"So am I, Mystique." He replied. He reached up to stroke his fingers against my jaw. His slight upturned smile held only forgiveness for my deed. The sky was now completely covered by the clouds. Large drops of rain started to fall from the sky, splashing onto us with no regard for our current situation.

"I can go get help, Erik." He shook his head again.

"It's too late." I couldn't believe what I had done. He lay dying in my arms, the rain washing his blood away. There were large puddles of red surrounding us.

"Erik." I cried. I felt so helpless. I still hated him. I still loved him. I still can't live without him. I glanced at the knife still embedded in his abdomen. I quickly pulled it out. His only response was a groan of pain. I raised it high over my head and then hesitatingly started to plunge it towards my heart. I had no intention of living without him anymore. Before I could puncture my skin I felt the knife pull out of my grasp on its own. It sailed through the rain and then landed twenty feet from us into a puddle in the grass. I looked down at Erik with surprise. He had his powers after all which was probably how he knew I had been behind him. He had sensed the knife. He knew all this had been coming. He knew all along.

"Mystique," He barely whispered. Only a minute amount of his energy was left. "I love you." Was all he said. He didn't want me to die. He wanted me to know how he had felt all these months. All this shame and misery and futility, like a personal hell on earth at having betrayed your best friend, your lover…your obsession. I bent over him and pressed my lips to his. He was already cold though I felt him return the kiss, his lips moving with the comfort of mine. The caress of his mouth was still familiar after so many months without it. He tasted the way he always had but this time mixed in with hints of blood and rain. After several seconds he was still and I knew he was dead. I had killed him. And I hate myself even more for it.

And so that was how Erik died.

Now, sitting here in jail, in this cell, with nothing to occupy my time but my thoughts, I have nothing to do but reflect on my life. My memories are all that I have. But I have a hard time recalling anything that doesn't involve Erik. He was my world for over twenty years. My heart is in constant pain because of the memory of him.

It's quite clear to me that he wanted to die by my hand. His regrets at having failed the Brotherhood, of not saving mutantkind and for allowing Charles Xavier to die were too much for him to bear. But mostly he regretted betraying me. I know this now. The pain and regret he had was passed onto me when I killed him. He wanted me to understand the remorse he felt, to live with it like he did. I understand now.

I'll live the rest of my days longing for him, wishing I hadn't acted vengefully, suffering under the weight of this guilt. Currently, I am waiting to die so that I can be forever back again with Erik Lehnsherr.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

**Author's Note**: Of course Mystique would kill Magneto. It only seems reasonable. But I couldn't seem to make it funny because my love for both characters hindered my sight to see it in a comical aspect. Btw, chances are I'll probably re-write the Jean/Xavier chapter at a later date and as a one-shot because I still don't like the way it turned out.

Also, I'm thinking about writing a short fic as a comparison to "One Day at Magneto's" called "One Day at Xavier's". Any ideas? Doesn't have to involve the Brotherhood. I'm not sure I really want to bang out another fight scene. Those are so hard to write.

**Chip** – Happy Birthday! Hope you're having an awesome day! Btw, this famous fountain impression of yours…This intrigues me. It also makes me laugh just thinking about it. Can I use it in a future story? Is that okay?

**42** – That's a good idea! I would have incorporated that strategy into this chapter except that I just can't seem to be able to degrade Erik in any way. I'm working on it though.

**AngelofSnow** – Oh, of course! Dammit! I never even thought about changing the lyric from Cicero to Cyclops. I'm shaking my head in disbelief. How did I overlook that? You're a genius! No wonder I steal all my best ideas from you!

**Frankie** – Xavier is one of my faves. He's hard for me to make fun of too but I'll do it anyway on occasion. I'm thinking about re-writing chapter 5 with exaggerated comical overtones as per 42's suggestion so look out for that one!

**Bobby's Icequeen** – You hit the hammer on the head! Or however that term goes… Mystique did kill Magneto, but that's because Mystique is the only one I consider "cool" enough to kill him. It would upset me if someone else (especially Wolverine, Colossus or some magnetically feasible character) had killed him. That would be unjustifiable in my opinion.


End file.
